Kingsman: The Secret Service (2014)
This ain’t that kind of movie, bruv.
THE SUMMARY: The aimless son of a fallen British spy re-enters the agency, avenging his father’s colleague and saving the world from a billionaire tech bro trying to kill everyone to fight climate change. Kingsman is that rare movie that hits almost every genre well: it’s hilarious, the action is incredible, and the deeper themes capture plenty of thought afterward. Plus the fashion makes me realize I should try to dress nicer.
FROM MOVIE-PICKER ‘THE EVOLUTIONARY CONSERVATIVE’: A fun romp of an action movie that takes the secret agent genre and adds new elements to it. The characters, action set pieces, and plot are all captivating for the type of movie it is, elevating the film to something more than you’d expect.
JAMIE AND JEANNE’S SHOW AI ART FOR THE WEEK:
Damn it - I wanted to be knife feet lady
Blonde gets revenge on Matt when he leaves her for Tenet Media
THE BEST:
The central plot is all too real: The concept of an evil billionaire plotting to fight climate change by duping the populace into taking a ‘free’ product that causes them all to kill each other or themselves basically came true five years after this movie was released. It may not be a perfect plot recreation, but it’s impossible to deny similarities to the Covid and vaccine script.
It’s very telling that millions of people can watch a story like this, observe Valentine for the evil that he is, and then fall victim to a very similar story very shortly afterward. If a virus has a <0.1% chance of killing them, they’ll suddenly sign right up and get in line for whatever the real life Valentine tells them to do, and scold others for asking any questions.
At least people in this movie obeyed for the prospect of free internet. That’s more understandable than fear of an overhyped cold.
The action is incredible: Not just in the stunt and gore and camera work, but in the overall aesthetic too - the speed changes and the graphics work make it feel very much like a video game, which I find highly entertaining. The bar fight scene early sets the tone, but the church fight is the height of it (even more than Eggsy’s final fight with Gazelle and Valentine). That church scene is simultaneously beautiful and brutal, as creative in its choreography as it is in its violence. Best parts, beyond the parade of excellent gunplay: the use of the knife and the Bible, the ax to the throat, and of course, the unsevered head on a spike to end.
Plus that church fight became one of the most controversial Trump memes of his presidency. Much like the infamous wrestling meme that caused CNN to blackmail its author, the Kingsman church scene was edited in 2019 to portray Trump brutalizing ‘fake news’ outlets, among other enemies. Because that video was played at a Trump event at his Florida Doral resort, it became one of many times Trump was pressured to disavow. I had seen the video at the time, but did not know it was from this movie.
My only criticism for the church scene? It had to end. It was originally supposed to be longer and more violent. In an early cut of the movie, church combat was twice as long: seven minutes instead three and a half. I need to find the full version somewhere.
A last point of appreciation for the fight scenes: they are exactly how a man should behave: polite, respectful, and seeking to avoid violence, until the violence comes for you, and then it’s ruthlessness with lethal precision. Manhood is the capability for horrible things, but having it under control.
And by the way, I wrote all of that without even a mention of the shocking professor rescue scene, which is excellent itself too.
Based hate church: The church fight is funny for its absurdly well-done violence, but it’s also funny for its dialogue beforehand about all the various… demographics… of whom this pastor and congregation are not fond. Sure, it’s intended to be absurd parody and it sounds like a reading from our superchat. It’s not supposed to be serious, but in today’s context, it doesn’t present as crazy as it should. As I listened to the sermon, I thought ‘yeah - our filthy government does condone sodomy, divorce, abortion, and all the other degeneracy. Like this guy is saying, who am I to doubt this is the work of the anti-Christ?’
Excellent lesbian car stunt driving: Everyone knows how much I love the Subaru WRX, even if the current generation has been completely ruined aesthetically. For the record, lesbians drive outbacks, not WRXs, which is the reason the car was selected for this chase scene. To achieve what appears to be remarkably skilled driving in reverse, the car was actually built in reverse: engine in the trunk, driver facing rearward.
Some deeper themes too: On the surface, Kingsman is just an edgy popcorn movie - mostly action eye-candy without much to think about. But there are two philopshical points worth discussion:
Who is the good guy, actually?: Are the Kingsman spies actually ‘good guys?’ Sure, Valentine and company are obviously bad - he’s a mass-murdering psychopath who rationalizes his killing by blaming his victims. And Kingsman agents do defeat him, so there’s ‘good’ in that result.
But what about their methods? Kingsman agents invade others’ privacy with their spying, they outright kill people who are only mildly threatening, or in some cases just inconvenient, and they meddle in foreign countries, among other immoralities. And when Harry explains the organization to Eggsy, he justifies it by saying it’s all pursuant to ‘the greater good.’
While effective, the Kingsman agents follow an ‘ends justify the means’ philosophy, which is moral only insofar as they aren’t the worst guys in the plot. But just because Bill Gates is trying to kill me with artificial food and vaccines doesn’t mean my neighbor is right to install secret cameras to watch me either.
I can, however, credit Kingsman for being a private agency. At least they’re decent enough not to extort the rest of us to fund their shenanigans, unlike the crooks in the federal government. If you’re gonna spy on me, at least keep the bill to yourself. How very gentlemanly indeed.
What is nobility?: At their introduction upon Eggsy’s jail release, Harry quotes Earnest Hemmingway: ‘There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man. True nobility is being superior to your former self.’ It’s as true in practice as it is in philosophy and mindset. Just because you’re ‘better’ than somebody else at something doesn’t mean you’re good. You might just be the smartest kid in special ed. Likewise, there’s little happiness or satisfaction found in comparing yourself to others anyhow. With only the rarest exception, there’s always someone better than you, smarter than you, faster than you, or superior to you in one form or another, often in ways you can’t actually attain. Which is why you shouldn’t compare yourself to others. You should compare yourself to you yesterday, and if you’re improved today, that’s progress. That’s the path toward your ideal form.
At first I thought the bar fight was awesome…
… but then I saw the church fight.
That’ll teach that lesbian
THE WORST:
Some may find the action and presentation cheesy: While I love the outrageous, over-the-top violent style, I could see a viewer getting annoyed with what is essentially slapstick done up with incredible effects in a nice suit. If physical comedy isn’t your thing, perhaps Kingsman isn’t either, but that’s not a criticism I actually hold. It’s just one I could understand. With the action in this movie as creative and hilarious as it is, I wanted more, not less.
Roxy the Mary Sue: Oh look, another perfect female character who’s better than men at everything somehow and has no personal flaws or interesting character development whatsoever. She is by far the most boring piece of an otherwise thrilling movie. They should have had her make the awkward proposition at the end. She’s due for some humiliation. Speaking of…
The anal bit is just weird: Obviously, in enjoying this movie as much as I did, and in hosting the show that I do, I’m not above gratuitous or vulgar or graphic humor. So I’m not objecting because it’s ‘gross’ or ‘wrong,’ though in everyday life, I would say it is. I just don’t get why the Scandinavian princess offering anal sex as the ultimate prize is so appealing. If an extremely attractive woman offered it to you for free, 1) be skeptical, but 2) why would you take that instead of the more traditional method? It might as well be a guy.
Why is that… incentive?
Perhaps too cheesy for some
THE RATING: 5/5 Wickies. A+ grade in all aspects, except one character and one quick bit that didn’t land. Funny, tense, and thought-provoking, it’s one of the best surprising greats in the history of the show’s movie review bit.
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NEXT WEEK: Scarface (1983)
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