You’re not you - you’re me. No shit!

THE SUMMARY: This was the perfect week to watch Total Recall, because Arnold ‘Screw Your Freedom’ Schwarzedinger lecturing us all about daring to question the authority’s wisdom did two things: it challenged my ability to analyze a movie fairly regardless of my personal disdain for its makers, and it had me wondering if the people who made this movie, or at least its lead actor, would stand by its lessons now.

Arnold’s character Quaid could be the last unvaccinated man today. He was chased relentlessly, manipulated thoroughly, lied to and abused, and his life was outright canceled and deleted by people who insisted they were helping him and humanity generally, but he still put up a fight and won in an enjoyable and thoughtful story.

Would Arnold stand up for Quaid today? Or would Arnold say ‘screw your freedom,’ Doug - just surrender and trust that ‘expert’ Cohaagen?

THE BEST:

The broad concepts are great: The movie’s main plot points and themes are excellent, and obviously relevant to today’s creeping authoritarianism.
- How much do you trust The Science™ to better your life? Did colonizing Mars benefit the freaks living there? Did taking an injectable vacation benefit Quaid? Did the Rekall scientists even know what they were doing, or were they just official-looking buffoons? It’s not that ‘science’ is to be distrusted by default either, but science is a process, enacted by people, in all of their flaws and impure motives. Science is a tool, and like any tool, the morality of its use depends on the morality of the user. A murderer in a lab coat is still just a murderer.
- Just how good are artificial substitutes for real life and nature? We’ve accepted the premise that artificial injections are better than natural immunity. We’ve accepted the premise that Zoom calls are just as good as in-person conversation. We’ve accepted the premise that deleting our facial expressions through masks is a small price to pay for safety. Just how far are we from accepting artificial memory implantation, artificial memory deletion, our outright artificially fabricated lives themselves as substitutes for all of nature’s supposed inconveniences? It’s not preposterous to think about - it’s only a few steps, the logic still applies, and unless we draw lines about just how much synthetic life substitute we are willing to accept, the steps will continue closer.
- Just how much are the medical authorities actually looking out for you? The scene with Dr. Edgemar was excellent. ‘C’mon Quaid, just take the pill to return to normalcy! Only an idiot would question it!’ Formerly a dystopian movie script, now real life, except in this movie, the man threatened actually had the balls to defend himself. Sigh. A bygone era.
- The only person Quaid could trust was Quaid himself. Almost everyone betrays Quaid, even a video projection of Quaid himself, except for two people - the actual Quaid himself, and the woman he loves. Place your trust in those two people first, and many difficult times can be overcome.
Arnold’s finest grunts: This movie was a soundboard of Arnold grunting memery. It’s not possible to type them out phonetically, but enjoy a minute or two of this montage. Nobody does these sounds better than Arnold, and Arnold never did them better than he did here.

‘Clever girl’ is not actually from the movie that you think it is, at least originally: I (assume like many others) always thought ‘clever girl’ was a Jurassic Park reference, and of course it is, from Muldoon’s raptor-ambush death scene. I did not know, however, that the line was first said during Quaid’s fight with his wife Lori in Total Recall, which was released three years before Jurassic Park.

THE WORST:

Questionable effects and costuming: I wasn’t a fan of the mutants on Mars: triple-boob lady, vagina-face man (did you know he’s actually Hank from Breaking Bad?), greasy-stomach-baby Chucky and the rest of the freakshow. Yeah, it’s personal aesthetic taste, but these characters to me were just ‘look how weird they are’ filler, rather than necessary substance. This movie doesn’t need a third boob to be good. Pass.

Don’t be a corporate sheep. But do drink Pepsi cola.

Pepsi product placement: For a movie primarily about corporate greed and manipulation, it had no problem indulging in it for some extra coin. In defense of the marketing, some claim it is actually subtle symbolism. Count me as skeptical of that explanation. I think it’s just more likely that checks were cashed.
I’d like a clearer ending: Some people like an unclear ending to ponder, something you can interpret and decide for yourself. I am not one of those people. It’s not that I lack the ability to think for myself or to piece together clues - I just like to know the intent of the writers and director. I don’t want to think up a good story myself. I want them to tell me a good story. This was a good story, but it would have been better with more clarity about what exactly was reality and what exactly was a dream.

THE RATING: 5/5 Wickies. I had planned to give it a 4, but after writing the review, I realize I appreciate the broad themes of this movie and its questions to ponder far more than the cheap things take away from it. If it’s an imperfect 4.5, that’s still a rounding 5, so even though you’re a douche in your elder years Arnold, I’ll give you this one.

YOUR RATING: Vote here ⬇

NEXT WEEK: Dr. Strangelove (1964)

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Matt's Movie Reviews

Total Recall (1990)