Die Hard (1988)
Yipee ki-yay, motherfu**er.
THE SUMMARY: New York City cop John McClane (no, not the late Arizona Senator) flies to Los Angeles to see his family for Christmas, but instead gets dragged into a terrorist standoff at his wife’s corporate holiday party in a cautionary tale of what happens when women prioritize careers: a good-not-great and seasonally appropriate ‘80s action popcorn movie.
IS IT A CHRISTMAS MOVIE?: Let’s handle the most important question first - is Die Hard a Christmas movie? After much thought and conference with Friend of the Show™ and movie connoisseur Michael Sssssssschlecht, we agreed to the following definition for a Christmas movie: Christmas must impact the plot. It can’t just be momentary Christmas imagery, music, or reference in passing - Christmas must have central relevance to a piece of the story. In this case, the whole reason for John’s travel is Christmas. The events of the movie don’t happen without Christmas. Sure, the movie may lack the traditional wholesomeness that comes to mind when you think classic Christmas movies, or the traditional Christmas characters, but we need an objective definition. Christmas’ impact on the plot is that objective definition. Since Christmas undeniably shapes the movie’s story, yes - Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
MR. NO SHOES AND THE SHOOTY SHOOTY BANG BANG CHRISTMAS: On a related note, a tweet went viral two weeks ago - a guy claims that he wrote a script that was accepted by Netflix. As a gag, he just submitted the Die Hard script and renamed it Mr. No Shoes and the Shooty Shooty Bang Bang Christmas. If we accept Shooty Shooty Bang Bang Christmas as an appropriate title, then double yes - Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Fine German engineering hipfired by a German terrorist
THE BEST:
Accurate portrayal of the feds: As soon as the FBI arrived at the scene, I knew it was gonna get good. Would their incompetence make the standoff worse? Would it be revealed that the German terrorists actually are FBI? Better, actually - the FBI agents take a helicopter ride and don’t come back. But not before they try to shoot the good guy and nearly get all the hostages killed with him. At least no dogs were hurt in the making of their disaster.
The two FBI agents say in an exchange in the helicopter they ‘can live with’ 25 percent hostage loss in their strategy. Never let the FBI pick who lives and who dies - it’s always a bad time.
Accurate portrayal of the media: The reporter weaseling his way into the home to speak to John and Holly’s children should be complete fiction, but of course it isn’t. Throughout the movie, this reporter prioritizes his own career interest and advancement over the truth, respect for victims, or any value other than himself. Outside of the actual terrorists, he’s the biggest villain in the movie. At least he got punched in the end (today we’d call that an attack on the free press).
Although I did laugh when he threatened to call the INS (the precursor to ICE) on Holly’s housekeeper. We probably do need a little bit more of that these days.
Accurate portrayal of chick cops: Two female police dispatchers prolong the standoff by doubting John’s claims, even when their eardrums burst from the sound of automatic rifle fire. They only send the dad from Family Matters in response, which is woefully insufficient, though in fairness, if you send a Kim Potter backup squad, it’s probably not very helpful either.
Nobody aims, but it’s a fine weapon choice for hipfire: It’s a clear trend of ‘80s action cinema that nobody actually aims their firearms, ever - hipfire only and always. I’ve grown to accept the absurdity and enjoy the silliness, and no weapon is better suited than the MP5. Whether it’s Squid Game executions or an improvised John McClane rappel anchor, I just love the gun. Slap and go.
Well earned.
THE WORST:
It didn’t get its proper Christmas ending: Yes, it’s a Christmas movie, but it didn’t get a proper ending. I would have liked to see a short and sweet Christmas morning ender. A central point of the movie is John fighting for his family, both physically against terrorists, but also within the family itself against the forces of geographical distance, diverging philosophical priorities with is wife, and a situation that is keeping his children away from him. John earned what he fought for, but it isn’t shown.
THE RATING: 4/5 Wickies. More like 3.5, but half rounds up and a Christmas movie gets the benefit of some Christmas cheer. Enjoyable, but not one I’ll spend much time thinking about later.
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NEXT WEEK: The Princess Bride (1987)
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