Army of Darkness (1992)
This is my boomstick!
THE SUMMARY: A guy gets accidentally sent back to the Middle Ages, and must battle the undead to return to the present. It’s horrendous cheese, a bad story, and a ninety-minute movie that somehow feels like three hours. There are a few moments, but I’ll gladly never watch it again.
FROM MOVIE-PICKER SPANDEXLURCH: Bruce Campbell reprises his role as Ash to fight the evil hordes of deadites in Arthurian England. With his trusty boomstick and his Delta 88 can he save history?
JAMIE AND JEANNE’S AI FACESWAP ART:
Blonde’s tribe.
What exactly is this ‘beard?’
Bring back the pillory, but not like this.
Those blue eyes are clearly enhanced.
I gotta practice my shotgun twirl.
I guess that makes her... Miss Normal Pants?
THE BEST:
Some ‘80s cheese, even though it’s a ‘90s movie: If you like ‘80s cheese (even though this is a ‘90s movie), it has some moments. The chainsaw hand is memorable (although not actually used all that much). I laughed at the face stretching bit the most, and thought it was the best effect in the movie. There are plenty of witch monsters too, although personally, I think these costumes and makeups were straight out of Spirit Halloween - very underwhelming. But if you’re in the mindset for that of thing, you can find some entertainment here.
Some okay one-liners: The script relies heavily on one-liners over a story that lacks any serious depth. Overall, that’s more annoying to me than entertaining, but there are glimpses of clever writing: ‘Jack left town,’ ‘definitely an N-word,’ ‘shop smart - shop S-Mart,’ and others. The lines are worth a few smirks, maybe a laugh here and there, but they don’t make up for a story that makes no sense.
Wow, how convenient that the death pit offers a chain to climb to escape.
The most interesting effect in the movie.
THE WORST:
Terrible story:
What happened to Linda?: Why is Ash’s original girlfriend Linda even in the story? She’s part of the original premise of going to the cabin to find the book that sends Ash back in time, and then she’s just… gone. Ash doesn’t care about her in the past and falls in love with Sheila. Ash doesn’t care about her when he gets back to the future either, as he kisses a different co-worker. Why is Linda here?
Why does Ash go back?: Why does Ash even go back to the future at all? In the past, he makes peace between Arthur and Henry, and becomes all but a king himself. Yes, the present has cool technology and stuff, but in the past, he ascended to new heights and got a better chick. Why would he come back to the present to work at a department store and tell a story nobody believes anyway? Ash says in the ending scene that now he’s a king ‘in his own way,’ but how? In what way is he a king, at all? He works a mediocre job and is bouncing from woman to woman. That’s as unkingly as it gets.
There is actually an interesting debate here: would you rather be a king in the past or a regular guy today? But this movie doesn’t explore it - it just presents the decision in a quick, inexplicable, unsatisfying way.
The alternative ending: As disappointing as I find the ending, it apparently was not the intent of the movie makers. The movie originally ended with Ash accidentally taking too much potion and awakening in post-apocalyptic London, horrified that he overslept. Universal Pictures decided the ending was too depressing, and so they opted for the one we saw - Ash just goes back to S-Mart with this lame ‘actually I am a king’ cope. Nonsense. Give me the original ending. At least there’s something interesting to think about with the nature and implications of his choice to try to return to the present. Take your wins where you get them.
Terrible premises: I get it - this is ‘horror comedy.’ It’s supposed to be absurd, and getting hyper-technical in analysis may miss the point. I’m just saying - if there’s zero sense in the concept, it’s not fun to watch. It’s just dumb.
Where is all this shotgun ammo coming from, and when is he reloading it?: Ash has a double-barrel shotgun (as in, two rounds before reload), one hand with which to shoot and reload, and a mystery supply of ammo. How is he blasting so many shotgun rounds everywhere?
He can build a remarkably precise bionic hand?: He transforms an armored glove into a fully functional, motorized bionic hand, using tools of the Middle Ages, and then just declares this amazingly improbable achievement ‘groovy’ and moves on. Nobody even has any questions about this incredible work. He would have been locked up as a witch.
He built a car and refined fuel and oil for it?: Despite the disfigurement, and some of his other time spent engineering and manufacturing this incredible bionic hand, Ash also has time to build a war car to defeat the army of the dead. He assembles a precision machine that otherwise requires industrialized manufacture, and equipped it with a combustion engine that requires fuel and lubrication, meaning he apparently completed yet another incredible feat in creating those products too. How?
If he has all of this amazing engineering talent, why does he work at S-Mart?: If Ash does have all this amazing engineering and manufacturing talent, it makes the ending even more baffling. Why would he go back to the future when he can simply manufacture its conveniences into the past where he’s kingly? And even if he does go back to the future, why does he work such a lame job if he has such talent? If he can design and build incredible things, why work retail? He should be a millionaire. Does he keep his talent a secret or something?
Terrible effects: I like some bad, campy effects, but man - these were awful. The army of the dead looks like a flipbook because of the outdated animation technique. The character makeup, especially Ash’s ‘wounds,’ was often just undetailed and lazy, like Elmer’s glue scab-type stuff. At least the cringe slapstick was paired with cringe writing: ‘I got a bone to pick with you!’
Yes, it’s an older movie, but think about this: Army of Darkness was released just one year before Jurassic Park. The difference in the effects is astounding. Sure, not every movie can compare to the pinnacle of its time, but Army of Darkness plays like movies made a decade prior, and still not as good.
How does he keep feeding said boomstick?
He can build a futuristic, remarkably strong bionic hand using primitive tools?
THE RATING: 2/5 Wickies (yes, the tradition continues despite the news of Susan’s turbo cancer passing). Even if you enjoy ‘80s cheese, and I do, there are far better options that are actually from the ‘80s.
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NEXT WEEK: Quigley Down Under (1990)
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