Watership Down (1978)
All the world will be your enemy…
THE SUMMARY: A rabbit has a premonition that he and his family are doomed, so they move from spot to spot seeking safety, but actually encounter hazards. It’s an insufferable borefest that’s supposedly controversial because it’s slightly more violent than a typical kids’ movie. The actual controversy is the 90+ minutes of my life stolen by this garbage. Nobody actually likes this. Buttsniffers just lie to themselves about it like Citizen Kane.
FROM MOVIE-PICKER DEEPERKING: Beautiful animation that also provided one of my first haunting childhood memories. The exploration of leadership and societal structures were lost on me as a child, but I appreciate them as an adult. The book is quite good as well.
JAMIE AND JEANNE’S AI FACESWAP ART: As you could probably predict, 1970s animation doesn’t lend itself to AI-generated faceswaps. So please enjoy these substitute depictions of Blonde and me as a different type of bunny instead.
Why is the tail the weirdest part?
I’ve always wondered what I’d like look like with sleeves. Glad I just wondered, and didn’t implement.
THE BEST:
About five seconds of an interesting theme with the farmer: The only remotely interesting part of the story is when the rabbits think they have found peace and safety with the farmer who leaves them vegetables, only to discover that farmer protects them to eat them himself. It’s a valuable lesson: if someone is providing for you, he owns you. So if you create that arrangement with the government, good luck. The government will give you terrible quality education, healthcare, retirement, and any other stuff you demand, but you’ll just end up in a bowl of rabbit soup.
THE WORST:
The entire story is trash: Oh look, these rabbits aren’t safe here. Move along. Oh look, these rabbits aren’t safe here either. Move along. Oh look, another danger from which to escape. What’s next? Yes, yet another danger to be avoided. And now they’re all dead. The end. What merit this story supposedly has is beyond me. Deep themes about hierarchy or order or the food chain, or the cruelty of nature, or anything else remotely interesting? Not at all. There are various threats to rabbits, and rabbits are a threat to themselves and each other too. That’s it. Wow, what a metaphor.
The characters are even worse: Hope you enjoy the most boring, monotone British voiceovers ever recorded. Every character is practically identical. It doesn’t matter if they’re the ‘good guys’ or the ‘bad guys,’ if the scene is happy or supposedly scary. The voices are all the same: a British guy describing the taste of cold plain oatmeal through a tin can. Honestly, I can’t even tell you the names of the characters in this movie, and neither can you, because nobody remembers, and nobody cares.
The ‘controversy’ is lame: I gather this movie is somehow significant because its violence and gore is more than we see in kids’ movies today. I guess, but not really. Would I let me two-year-old watch it? Probably not, but beyond the violence, its dialogue and story isn’t age-appropriate anyway. He wouldn’t even get it. Would a ten-year-old be traumatized? Only by the boredom, not by the crappily-drawn rabbit claw scratches. I don’t think Watership Down is any more disturbing than Bambi’s mom getting shot, Mufasa getting thrown off the cliff, or any other famously distressing kid movie scenes.
Below is a montage of the most disturbing or violent moments. There’s nothing I’d rate beyond PG-13, and maybe not even that. I guess it’s just that the times are different? Mild violence in children’s animation was more shocking then? Meh, don’t care. The gore isn’t even good - it’s boring and poorly animated. Spill some strawberry jelly on the storyboard - better effect.
We can stop pretending this is shocking.
THE RATING: 1/5 Wickies. Gimme the Trix rabbit. Gimme Bugs Bunny. As depicted above, gimme the most disgusting Playboy Bunny ever to wear the ears. I’ll take any other form of rabbit-based entertainment, including letting a real rabbit gnaw my nuts off. I will never watch this crap again. You’ll have to kill me first.
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NEXT WEEK: A Beautiful Mind (2001). All movie nominations were rejected in the vote last week, so A Beautiful Mind is a random selection from IMDb’s top-250 list. It currently ranks #149.
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