The Emperor's New Groove (2000)
You really should have thought of that before you became peasants!
THE SUMMARY: An arrogant Incan-era emperor is turned into a llama by an assassination attempt gone wrong, and learns the error of his ways as he works with a peasant en route back to his throne. It’s like a bad AI rewrite of The Lion King where Scar and Simba are mashed up into the same guy, and it’s not even a tenth as good. It’s a boring, predictable plot with unlikeable characters and humor that relies mostly on ‘randomness’ than actual cleverness.
FROM MOVIE-PICKER GABE: A self-worshiping jerk of a ruler survives an assassination attempt due to the comical incompetence of his would-be murderers. His rescue mission is conducted by the man who would ironically lose everything if he is returned to his throne. Highly quotable, loaded with dad-level dry humor. A good family movie-night-with-popcorn film. It's a good thing you are not a big fat guy.
JAMIE AND JEANNE’S AI FACESWAP ART: The AI faceswap doesn’t translate well to this animation, so there is no video this week, but we at least get an uncomfortable still image.
I hope we don’t get into a chin war - it’ll be bloody.
THE BEST: I’m really scraping for appreciation points here, because I thoroughly hated this movie.
Stay committed to principal, not personal gain or loss: Pacha had no personal reason to help Kuzco - in fact he had every reason not to. Kuzco planned to destroy his home, and lied about his persistent intentions to do so, but Pacha still stayed committed to helping a person in need throughout.
Actually, now that I’ve written that out, I no longer agree with it. Pacha shoulda beat Kuzco’s punk ass and been done with it. But I can still appreciate his attitude - commit to treating others ethically, and the world will reward you.
Those in power are rarely out to help you: Politics is full of Kuzcos, whether they’re elected or selected by heredity. Power is unfortunately attractive to people of questionable character, so when we look to politicians to solve problems, expect Kuzco, not Pacha. If politicians actually do help you, it’s often only because they’re getting something better for themselves in return. Pachas aren’t in politics. They’re busy building a family of integrity. So don’t spend time asking a Kuzco politician to fix things. Build a neighborhood with a Pacha instead.
Thank you for making it so short: Seriously, what a relief - done in well under 90 minutes. Zero is the correct runtime for this movie, but at least this edit is fairly close.
Nobody’s that heartless.
THE WORST:
The character dynamics don’t work: This is the danger of a ‘redemption arc’ story in which the protagonist grows from villain to hero, or bad guy to good guy: if he’s the bad guy, then the other bad guys don’t seem so bad. Because Kuzco is such a dick, Yzma doesn’t seem so evil. In fact, I can absolutely understand why she’d want to kill Kuzco, and there’s something of a reasonable case that she would be justified to do it. Kuzco is an abusive tyrant who throws old men out of buildings - someone has to bring him to justice. Who’s ‘bad’ and who’s ‘good?’ They both are, kinda. So I don’t really care who wins.
Kuzco never really pays a price/justice isn’t served: He commits all of this abuse, and even temporarily betrays the good man who has saved him from himself several times, and his punishment is… he spends some time as a llama? He deserved some time with a severed head. I get it’s a Disney movie, not Tarantino, but Disney movies have more serious justice and villain death all the time. Scar is killed by the hyenas. Ursula gets skewered by a ship. The villain gets hanged in Tarzan.
I’m not saying Kuzco had to die. I’m just saying the movie lacks a meaningful lesson for Kuzco, because he never suffers anything close to the abuse to which he subjects others. ‘Oh no - I’ll never be tyrannical again because one time I accidentally became a whimsical llama for a little bit.’ I don’t buy it. Kuzco’s actions should have cost him something more meaningful. Without that piece, it’s hard to believe he’s learned anything, and harder to believe that justice has been served.
A boring, predictable plot: A side effect of no serious consequences is a plot that’s entirely predictable. Kuzco’s a bad guy, but a good guy helps him, so Kuzco learns to be good and defeats another bad guy. There’s nothing new or interesting about it. Yes, it’s a kids’ movie, and perhaps that doesn’t need over-complication, but if I want a movie demonstrating an important moral lesson for a character to learn, I can think of dozens of better entries than ‘mean king becomes llama and then learns to be nice instead.’
The brand of comedy: This sort of ‘random’ comedy doesn’t work for me. Oh look, a random trampoline bounces Yzma the cat, because those were things in the 15th century, or something. Haha, Yzma has a suicide trap door outside her lab for some reason, and doesn’t tell Kronk to pull the correct lever even while watching him place his hand on the wrong one, herself then asking why she even has this setup at all. The entire movie premise is of this theme: wow, wouldn’t it be weird and random if a guy became a llama? Sure, but that doesn’t mean it’s clever, and it prompts more groans than laughs.
Do I actually miss the music?: I can’t believe I’m writing this, because in almost all contexts I hate musical bits, but one thing that sets Emperor apart from Disney classics negatively is its lack of quality music. There’s no Circle of Life. There’s no Be Our Guest. There’s no Friend Like Me. There’s just this brief crappy opening dance routine in which the emperor’s ‘groove is thrown off.’ Worse still, Emperor was made years after those classics. The movie is just not as polished or original or high-effort as its predecessors, but I guess that’s the bit, and I’m supposed to laugh at its self-awareness of its own shortcomings. Meh.
I respect a duct tape production, of course. But that’s the problem - Disney in 2000 was not a duct-tape production. It was a multi-billion dollar empire, and this entry was a decline in production value. That’s not limited resources. That’s laziness.
Kuzco pays no price whatsoever.
I get it - that’s an impractical lab entry.
I can’t believe I’m saying it, but it needed more and better music.
THE RATING: 2/5 Wickies. This one is just a hair above Blade Runner hatred. Watchable, but barely, and mostly on account of its merciful brevity. When my kids are old enough to watch the Disney classics, I won’t even tell them this one exists.
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NEXT WEEK: How to Train Your Dragon (2010)
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