Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)
I hate snakes, Jock! I hate ‘em!
THE SUMMARY: The US government hires an archeologist to stop the Nazis from recovering the Ark of the Covenant to make Hitler and his army invincible. He does, but the government hides the Ark anyway. Come for the ‘80s cheese, sure, but there’s little else for which to stay. The action is fine, the music is great, but the philosophical depth is lacking.
FROM MOVIE-PICKER JG HENRY: I saw this movie during an 8th grade field trip, and it blew me away. There is a reason they just released the 5th movie of the franchise. This is the best of the 5 and is a good love story, action adventure, and a great beginning-to-end entertaining movie.
JAMIE AND JEANNE’S SHOW AI ART FOR THE WEEK: They’re telling me they want to continue the bit, and the images are funny, so it’s now official.
I sure hope this relationship doesn’t have the same origin story. Don’t miss Caesar in the background.
THE BEST:
John Williams, as always: Every time I hear it, I praise it, because I have to. Nobody does a movie soundtrack like John Williams, as I’ve previously mentioned reviewing Jurassic Park, Home Alone 2, Jaws, and more. I’ve never seen a single Indiana Jones movie, but I know the song, and that’s because of the brilliance of master. It’s not just nailing the mood and emotion of the scene or the movie - he makes them unforgettably catchy too.
Much of the cheese is excellent: While much of this movie is completely absurd, the cheese makes it endearingly entertaining (even if it’s supposed to be scary sometimes). My highlights are the jump scare corpses in the Well of Souls, Satipo’s spike face, and of course, the literal face melting of the Nazis upon the Ark’s opening. None of these are particularly convincing by modern effects standards, but that’s really the point. The crudeness makes them entertaining, even if comedy isn’t strictly the intent.
The undeniable influence: Beyond the song, references to or recreations of Indiana Jones are commonly found in other pieces of entertainment. I grew up playing Crash Bandicoot video games, and it’s hard to imagine the boulder chase scenes exist without Jones. My wife also noticed the similarities between Raiders’ and Pirates of the Caribbean’s dinner scenes: both captured women eating aggressively in evening gowns, trying to woo their way out of captivity. It might even be argued, with a stretch admittedly, that Jones inspired the Samuel L. Jackson classic Snakes on a Plane. After all, both men ask, why are there serpents on this particular aircraft?
Don’t bring a knife (or one of those crazy curvy Aladdin swords) to a gunfight: This particular scene might be the movie’s most memorable over even the boulder chase and the swiping of the golden idol at the start. An Arab swordsman in Cairo tries to intimidate Jones with his blade work, and Jones, unfazed, draws his revolver and shoots the guy from the hip with a move straight out of Deadwood. It’s funny, yes, but it’s philosophically valuable too. Do not bring knives to gunfights. Train to be strong and skilled in everything you do, but understand some technologies will always be superior. Yes, be physically strong. Yes, be mentally sharp. But know how to use a firearm too, and respect its lethality.
The government’s top men are on it: The movie’s ending is as classic as its adventure - government promising ‘top men’ are looking into the discovery, while sealing it up in a box and burying it in a massive government warehouse. I don’t care how many centuries the sands of the desert have buried an ancient artifact - nothing buries the truth better than a government investigation. The Ark will certainly be tougher to find in the government’s possession than it ever was in the mystery tomb.
Even if you haven’t seen it, you’ve heard it.
Actually face-melting
Don’t make it complicated
THE WORST:
What is this weird borderline pedo plot point?: I’m not saying Indiana Jones is for sure a pedophile, because the circumstances are unclear, but I also don’t understand why this plot point was introduced, either. Jones shows up at Marion’s bar, and she punches him for abandoning her when she was a ‘child in love’ with him. Does she mean actual child, or just young person? If she means a young adult, why does Marion say it was wrong and Jones knew it? And why does Jones acknowledge it, saying ‘I did what I did?’ This doesn’t sound like a simple broken heart. It sounds like something worse.
I don’t see confirmation in the script, but the movie’s Wikipedia page says Jones and Marion had an ‘illicit relationship’ prior. That almost certainly means she was under age. The only other type of ‘illicit relationship’ would be incestual, which this isn’t.
I don’t see what purpose this point serves in the plot, other than, cynically, to show that an abused person can find love with her abuser later. That is the direction the story takes, and it’s hard not to infer some sketchy messaging from it.
Some of the cheese is indeed too cheesy: I love absurd ‘80s action and effects as much as the next guy, and I know much of this is supposed to be silly and over-the-top, so I won’t be too harsh, but some of the action is just plain preposterous. See downclimbing the hood of the truck, hanging off its undercarriage, and then somehow being dragged hundreds of yards at high speed over a rocky road without a scratch. See the bulky Nazi mechanic somehow not being aware that a giant plane propeller is right behind him, and turning around a snail’s pace too slow to avoid being blended onto the windshield. And see just the general absurdity of Jones defeating so many men in combat routinely.
‘Quick, everyone, attack him one at a time, in sequence!’ It’s nearly every fight format in the movie, and some of the guys don’t even try when it’s their turn. Upon initial entry into the truck, the Nazi driver is practically making out with Jones for several minutes instead of fighting him off. He even grins, as though to say ‘Okay Jones - you can punch me in the face and I’ll tumble to my death now.’ And then he does.
Several little things that make no sense: It takes a fancy staff, precise sunlight timing, and a model city to locate the Ark in a secret underground tomb they have to dig deep into the ground to find, and then when Jones and Marion are sealed inside, oh wow, how convenient, a very easy above-ground exit in a connected building nobody noticed for some reason with massive stone bricks that are also easily moved out of the way somehow. Speaking of this nonsense tomb, how are all these snakes alive inside? What do they eat? If they go outside to eat, why do they return to a place of such concentration and competition with each other? And what is the light source when Jones and Marion are sealed inside? Sure, they have their own torches, but by their escape, they don’t even have those anymore, and still the entire place is dimly lit. How? Oh right, a crack of sunlight from the convenient above-ground exit nobody every noticed for some reason.
Another example of nonsensical absurdity is the first appearance of Toht, the Gestapo agent, at Marion’s bar. The fight ensues and Toht tries to grab Marion’s medallion. It’s hot, and so he holds on to it long enough to clearly burn the image into his hand, like this is a Home Alone doorknob or something. Why press so hard onto a hot object? You’re allowed to let go, dude. Even more nonsensically, he just runs away instead of enduring a little burn pain to complete his assignment. He easily could have taken the medallion and killed them both, but doesn’t, because of a burn he himself inflicted for several unnecessary seconds.
I know - this is buzzkill stuff, and the movie is fun, admittedly, but I’d like at least a little more effort at sense-making in several scenes.
It’s okay - she’s legal now.
Everyone get him, one at a time, in sequence!
It’s much easier to leave this tomb than to find it.
THE RATING: 3/5 Wickies. It certainly fills the purpose of the bit in that it’s an iconic piece of American movie culture, and it’s certainly not boring, so it’s worth the watch, but I won’t be eager to watch it again any time soon, or ever.
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NEXT WEEK: Kung Fu Panda (2008)
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