Top Gun (1986)
You can be my wingman anytime!
THE SUMMARY: A renegade young fighter pilot rejects the rules, has an inappropriate romantic relationship with a workplace superior at taxpayer expense, kills his best friend, and is inexplicably rewarded to lead the Navy’s elite air academy, all while being needlessly gay throughout. I have a high tolerance for ‘80s, but this is indeed just too much ‘80s. Lay off the AIDS.
FROM MOVIE-PICKER SWIFTNER: Required viewing before Top Gun: Maverick. Stunt pilot Art Scholl was killed during the production of the movie, aged 54. He died when his Pitts S-2 camera plane failed to recover from a flat spin and plunged into the Pacific Ocean. Scholl's last words over the radio were ‘I have a problem - I have a real problem.’ The exact cause of the crash was never determined, and neither the aircraft nor Scholl's body were ever recovered. Top Gun is dedicated to him.
THE BEST:
Persevere though adversity, or something: I struggle to find depth in this movie, but sure - there is some value in the lesson of persevering through struggle, even if that is the most tired, obvious lesson of all time. Don’t quit, it’s always darkest before the dawn, blah blah blah. Even if you kill your friend like an idiot, push onward. Your life has a purpose, and that purpose is banging your chick boss, apparently.
Disregarding the rules will cost you eventually: This lesson I appreciate a bit more because it involves a few slight twists. Maverick’s rule bending gets him a few wins - he saves Cougar, and he beats Jester. But ultimately, Maverick pays a hefty price for his rule bending with Goose’s life.
Perhaps you read that statement and think ‘that’s wrong - Maverick didn’t break any rules when Goose died. That’s why Maverick was cleared by investigation.’ That’s right in the strictest sense, but what makes this lesson interesting is the way it’s indirect and warned. Before the fatal accident, Iceman warns Maverick that his foolishness is a danger. Maverick rejects the criticism, saying ‘I am dangerous.’ Implicitly, it’s Maverick’s philosophy of rejecting the rules that creates the circumstances for Goose’s death.
That’s not to say that all rules should be followed blindly, of course. It is to say that generally, rules are a product of learned wisdom, and before rejecting them, we should understand why they are in place. Maverick doesn’t do that - he considers the rules only by convenience. That is the flaw for which he pays.
It’s also of subtle importance that Iceman, Maverick’s top rival, is the one who warns him of what’s coming. There’s a valuable lesson here too: we can learn things from enemies, so we should be perceptive with them. That doesn’t mean ‘coexist’ or ‘love is love’ or any of the other nonsense you’ll find on a Prius bumper sticker - it just means the inverse is also unwise. If it’s foolish to embrace or believe a person uncritically, it’s just as foolish to reject that person uncritically as well. Sometimes an adversary can see something you can’t. Pay attention, listen, think, then speak and act.
Accurate presentation of a female driver: I doubt they even had to hire a stunt driver - just put a camera on any LA street corner, and you’ll probably get the shot you need.
The action is fine: The planes go zoom zoom and bang bang, as advertised, even if the ‘inverted polaroid’ is incredibly corny. But as movie-picker Swiftner notes, I can respect the danger and sacrifice of the stunt work. More zoom zoom bang bang, and less homo and workplace erotica, and the Wicky earnings would be higher.
It’s not an action scene - it’s just a chick driver
Watch the birdie
THE WORST:
Why are you gay?: It should be called Bottom Gun, amirite? But seriously, this movie is bizarrely and uncomfortably homosexual. I don’t mean it in the colloquial ‘that’s gay’ way - I mean this movie is definitionally, man-on-man attraction homosexual, with zero purpose or plot relevance. The sexual tension with Iceman at the bar that later escalates into a towels-only shower encounter. The gay joke that doesn’t come off as that much of a joke. And of course, the completely unnecessary sweaty, nearly nude beach volleyball scene. Most preposterously, who the hell wears jeans but no shirt?
I’m not a puritan. I’m don’t clutch my pearls at the mere sight of a gay guy. I just don’t understand why this movie is presenting itself more aggressively than a drag queen to a kid at the library. It’s entirely irrelevant to the story, unless there’s supposed to be some subtle sub-plot about repressed homosexuality. I guess it is the Navy, after all. But if that’s the point, it’s buried deeper than these guys are inside each other.
Or maybe it is that deep, actually. Quentin Tarantino made the case that Top Gun is an intentionally closeted gay story in the 1994 movie Sleep With Me.
A government workplace romance is not endearing: And certainly not if it compromises the integrity of an elite military training program. What is this, Peter Strzok and Lisa Page? I’m not going to cheer for this romance - it’s a waste of taxpayer dollars and a distraction from military readiness. The car chase scene demonstrates exactly why this is a disaster - Charlie insists that she is handling Maverick professionally, before getting overwhelmed with emotion, chasing him at high speed putting innocents at risk, and surrendering all discipline for a heinously awkward sex scene with way too much tongue silhouette.
The point is, no matter how ‘professional’ anyone claims to be with a superior-subordinate workplace relationship, they aren’t. That’s why such things are generally disallowed. It’s bad enough on company time, but on taxpayer time - GTFO. Especially if our enemies are getting stronger while we dabble in such nonsense. Good thing we have the volleyball workout to catch up.
The soundtrack gets overplayed and cheesy: Yes, I fully understand we are approaching a danger zone. It’s so thrilling my breath has been taken away. Many times now, actually. I don’t need this two-song mixtape on repeat. It’s not even the music itself - I mostly like ‘80s power ballads, actually. It’s just the songs are overused, creating a repetitive, cheesy effect.
But at least it’s better than the karaoke: The soundtrack is much better than the live performances, though. The bar karaoke is excruciating. The Goose family rendition of ‘Great Balls of Fire’ is even worse. At least the first one is plot relevant, to establish interest in Charlie. The second happens only to show us that Goose has a family, but that was already known, and there are infinite ways to make his family life more relatable. Plus it’s counter-productive. After he put my ears through this suffering, I’m kinda glad Goose died.
Way to honor your dead friend, douchebag: My own disrespect to Goose aside, I don’t get Maverick chucking his dead friend’s dog tags overboard at all. I guess it’s supposed to symbolize Maverick overcoming the burden of feeling responsible for the death, but it comes off as a completely selfish and disrespectful gesture. If you are at peace with the loss, find a resting place for the tags. I bet Goose’s son has better use for them than the fish do. By all means, let go, but don’t forget. The whole point of the movie is Maverick learning important lessons, and in the end, he just jettisons the most important one. Like the rest of this movie, a very gay move.
The very relevant very hetero volleyball scene
Please stop singing
I think his son might have liked those tags, dude
THE RATING: 2/5 Wickies. Dull, predictable plot. Hateable romance. And a presentation suitable for a San Francisco Pride Parade. It’s definitely a no from me dogg, but I’m told the sequel is better, so I’ll remain open to seeing it.
YOUR RATING: Vote here ⬇
NEXT WEEK: The Fugitive (1993)
AFTER THAT? YOU PICK - VOTE! February’s movie nominations are from listener Swiftner.
Want to be the movie nominator for the month? Here’s how - fill out the form below.