The Last of the Mohicans (1992)
I do not call myself subject to much at all.
THE SUMMARY: A white guy raised by Indians helps other white guys fight other Indians to decide which white guy-Indian team will rule the colonial American frontier, and he steals some redcoat’s bitch along the way. A setting and era I like. Fight scenes I like. Even actors I like. But not a movie I like. Too much boring, unconvincing romance and dramatic cheese.
FROM MOVIE-PICKER MICHAEL: America before it became America, caught in a war between the British and the French. Plus throw in a romantic story for the ladies to enjoy.
THE BEST:
Solid battle scenes: The artillery fighting at the fort is cool, but the best of this movie’s combat occurs during the ambushes in the woods. The scene after the British leave the fort where the Magua-led Huron attack the march is very impressive. The two-sided ambush is a dramatic watch from the faraway angle, and the hand-to-hand fighting is well performed, especially among so many simultaneously. Well acted, well performed, well filmed.
Indians are bad guys too: An Indian antagonist leading a band of Indian villains is probably a bygone presentation in Hollywood. Not that I care about making the Europeans or Indians look ‘good’ or ‘bad’ necessarily, but I appreciate this movie’s presentation of the complex alliances at the time. Some tribes allied with the French. Some tribes allied with the British. Tribes battled each other before that, and used the French and British for opportunity to damage their rivals. We’re often told this period was as simple as Europeans intentionally blasting Indians with smallpox from a firehose. It wasn’t, and I appreciate a story, though obviously dramatized, that shows that reality.
THE WORST:
Numbingly boring, unconvincing romance between characters I don’t care about: Exactly as much as I appreciate the battle scenes, I hate the romance, and unfortunately there’s more romance focus than fight focus. I am baffled that the relationship between Hawkeye and Cora is supposedly something compelling. People often cite the ‘looking at you, miss’ and the ‘I will find you’ scenes. The lines were terribly simple, they were delivered with all the passion and believability of Microsoft Sam wooing Alexa, and worst of all, this supposedly meaningful romance just appeared out of nowhere.
Cora and Hawkeye have one dialogue scene before they’re suddenly in love. Without any development, it’s obligatory, stiff, and just happens. You’re just supposed to believe it, even if there’s no reason to believe it.
But even the Cora-Hawkeye romance is Shakespearian compared to Alice and Uncas. Theirs was so dry and hurried I barely even realized they had something, until she killed herself over losing it. Good for her - her cliff dive was by far her finest performance in the movie.
Extremely cheesy action and drama: But that doesn’t mean the cliff diving was good, either. While the battle scenes have moments of greatness, much of the other action drama is completely corny. When the group is escaping from the Huron ambush by canoe, the scenes show gigantic waterfalls they must navigate, dozens of feet high. And then they cheap out with some camera angle that doesn’t even show the drop - just the canoe sliding off some kind of ramp. The waterfall drops aren’t even key to the plot - they just tease them for action suspense only to avoid them entirely. Unnecessary.
Similarly corny are the repeated cliff drop deaths. One of Magua’s warriors inexplicably jumps off the cliff after being shot in Uncas’ ambush, Alice’s suicide, Uncas’ death - they all have these slow motion body drops that are supposed to be dramatic but are actually just funny. The Uncas dummy sliding and then swan diving down the rocks limply doesn’t inspire sadness - it inspires laughs because it looks so fake.
The closing fights were just silly: Why was the Magua-Uncas battle spectated by dozens of Magua’s men? Magua’s armed warriors initially fight Uncas, then Uncas gets to Magua, and they all suddenly stop and stand by to watch Uncas nearly kill their leader. Is this some sort of Indian honor thing? If it is, why do they fight him at first, and then stop? And what would they have done if Uncas had won - kill him then?
After Magua kills Uncas, the fight scene with Uncas’ dad Chingachgook (I’m gonna go with ‘Chinkygook’) is slow, stiff, and way too choreographed to be believed. Magua hardly even fights back - he just stands there passively while Chinkygook takes about 30 seconds to perform each fight move. Maybe Magua is tired from the prior fight, but how do you let an old man have so much time to wind up and swing a blade into you like a figure skater with a baseball bat?
And worst of all, after seeing everybody else go cliff-diving, they don’t even do Magua the honor. They just let him rot cliffside. He gets no limp tumbling airborne dignity at all.
Alice’s death
Uncas’ death
Magua’s death
THE RATING: 2/5 Wickies. I wasn’t enraged watching this movie, and it has its moments, but mostly I was laughing or falling asleep at what is supposed to be tense and dramatic.
YOUR RATING: Vote here ⬇
NEXT WEEK: The Outlaw Josey Wales (1976)
AFTER THAT? YOU PICK - VOTE! May’s movie nominations are from listener Michael. This is the last week to vote on this list. Because May has five Sundays, for the final Sunday May 29, Matt’s personal favorite movies will be up for a vote.
NOTE: It has come to my attention there are two different movies called The Hunt - the one in this vote is the 2020 movie. Sorry for confusion.
Want to be the movie nominator for the month? Here’s how - fill out the form below.