Rocky (1976)
Yo, Adrian!
THE SUMMARY: A no-name blue collar Philadelphia hobby boxer gets the opportunity to fight the heavyweight champion of the world, and goes the distance to earn a perfectly mediocre woman. I am baffled how this one is even considered a good movie, let alone an all-time classic. Horrible writing. Horrible pacing. Horrible acting. Horrible characters. The music is okay.
NO MOVIE-PICKER COMMENTARY: Per last week’s vote, this one is a randomly-selected IMDb top-rated movie, ranked #212 for reasons impossible for me to understand.
THE BEST:
The theme song is memorable: Even if the lyrics are cringe. But there’s no denying the theme song is energetic and catchy. The best part of the movie by far is Rocky training to the song - it’s great buildup, it establishes interest and anticipation for the fight, and the scenes around the city are well shot. Best of all, none of the godawful characters are talking during that montage. Though Rocky still looks mentally handicapped at the top of the stairs, even if we can’t hear him sound like it.
But seriously, the lyrics: trying hard now, it’s so hard now, trying hard now… Like most of Rocky’s scripting, go ahead and just leave those lines out.
Bum bum bummmm… Bum bum bummmm…
The absolute face of the R word
THE WORST:
Rocky sounds like a deaf person playing chubby bunny: Every scene - what did he say? Huh? What? Can you turn it up? And then you rewind to learn it was some irrelevant line anyway. The movie would have been better if it was just Rocky punching various people and things around the city and never talking at all. Rocky’s best performance is literally beating the meat - he can do no better with his mind or his words. I can’t believe people still go to theaters to see this character 8+ movies and almost 50 years later. Actual NPCs have more charisma and intelligence points.
The other characters are over-acted bipolar lunatics: And actually, Rocky is too. Several characters have bizarre, unintentionally hilarious emotional outbursts, only to become best friends again five minutes later. Rocky yells at Mickey to reject his training offer, then accepts his training offer immediately afterward. Paulie baseball bats his own house, only to attend the title fight anyway. That Paulie baseball bat scene is one of the most hilariously bad movie scenes I’ve ever witnessed - completely forced and absurd rage, audio poorly dubbed over in post production, and absolutely zero believable chemistry between any of the characters.
Even Adrian gets mad, which could be a refreshing change if it wasn’t so forced and painful, complete with an awkward cliché foot-stomping storm away from the scene. As bad as it is, you can argue it’s her best moment. She’s otherwise completely emotionless and uninteresting. Winning her love is like winning the love of a pet rock. You wouldn’t know it even if you had it. You don’t have to get your ass kicked by a champion boxer to win a frump queen like Adrian. Then again, if you’re as verbally challenged as Rocky, maybe you do.
The buildup to the fight takes forever, and the fight is bad: Rocky has some of the worst pacing I’ve ever seen. Is this a movie about training for the fight of a lifetime, or a movie about ‘creepo’ teen escort services? Or a movie about a ridiculous ten-minute ice rink date where one person weirdly jogs while the other skates? Or the struggle to get a job with a debt collector instead of a meat packing plant? ‘You got a big mouth - you just talk too much,’ Rocky says to Paulie in perfect summary of this movie overall. Why am I suffering through endless unintelligible dialogues of no relevance to the central plot?
And then when the fight finally arrives, it sucks. It’s very brief relative to the rest of a two-hour movie, the punches are horribly fake and clearly not landing, and it fails to build any tension or intrigue. If the point was to ‘go the distance,’ they could have given the fight some actual distance. Make it drawn out, dramatic, and establish the sort of endurance stress Rocky was experiencing. If the point was winning Adrian, they could have shown her struggling to watch, experiencing the emotion of the fight, and realizing her love for Rocky.
Instead they just skip several rounds, show Rocky beat up, rush in Adrian, and call it good. It isn’t good. The movie is a horribly slow buildup to a hurried letdown.
‘Eye-talian’ Stallion: Anyone who pronounces it this way can f**k all the way off. Do you say ‘Eye-taly’ when talking about the country? I’ll assume Carl Weathers was directed to say it this way. I otherwise enjoy him.
One of the most hilariously bad movie scenes I’ve ever witnessed
The whole point of the movie is under 10 percent of its runtime - why?
THE RATING: 1/5 Wickies. One of the most insufferable movies I’ve ever seen. Boring, unintentionally silly, and completely unsatisfying in its entire point and ending.
YOUR RATING: Vote here ⬇
NEXT WEEK: O Brother, Where Art Thou? (2000)
AFTER THAT? YOU PICK - VOTE! May’s movie nominations are from listener Michael.
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