Big Trouble in Little China (1986)
May the wings of liberty never lose a feather.
THE SUMMARY: A trucker helps his friend rescue his green-eyed fiancée from the comically ultra-Asian San Francisco Chinatown underworld, where an ancient sorcerer has kidnapped her to free himself from a curse. There are a lot of things objectively bad about this movie - the effects, the costuming and makeup, the painfully awkward action scenes - but it has an undeniable ‘80s charm that still made for an enjoyable watch.
THE BEST:
It’s not even crude, but it still couldn’t be made anymore: In any sane society, this movie wouldn’t be called racist or sexist - it would just be enjoyed for the silly fun that it is - but we don’t live in a sane society, and there’s no chance that Hollywood would make this movie today. The ‘toxic masculinity’ of Jack Burton, the stereotyping of Chinese culture, white Gracie done up as a Chinese wife - these things were all funny but would now be deemed harmful gender normativity and cultural appropriation. I didn’t love the movie, but I must appreciate this bygone era where fun was paramount, and feelings were damned.
You absolutely would never see these delightful slanty-eyed sunglasses today.
The finest ‘80s hip fire I’ve ever seen: The movie is full of hand-to-hand combat and gunfights, and rarely did anyone actually use the sights on their guns. I don’t have a TEC-9, but Jack Burton makes me want one. He always uses perfect ‘80s hip-fire form. One handed, no aim.
An unusual ending: I figured the ending would go the predictable way - Jack quits his trucking life, or otherwise figures out a way to make it work and settle down with Gracie. But when the time comes, he just leaves and doesn’t even kiss her goodbye. Disregard women, acquire currency, indeed. Plus, even though I thought the monsters were hideous botcheries, I appreciate a good ‘80s surprise cliffhanger ending, in this case the weird bigfoot hitching a ride on Jack’s truck on his way out of town. Almost as good as They Live’s ending, but not quite.
The theme song: The theme song for the movie is absolutely amazing, and rolls the credits perfectly after the the surprise ending. As the top YouTube comment says, it’s the most ‘80s thing you’ll ever see. There are no more ‘80s that could fit into the song or the music video.
… in little CHYYIIIIIIIIIINA!
THE WORST:
Whatever the hell the monsters were: I thought the creatures of the movie were atrocious for two reasons: 1) they just looked like crap but 2) what they even are isn’t really explained. Why is there a bigfoot? Why is there a weird blob of meatball shit with eyeballs in every orifice? What is their purpose, why are they here, and if Lo-Pan is a sorcerer, why can’t he magically create anything better than a hacked out tumor? The monsters didn’t add anything to the movie that the magic and the combat hadn’t already achieved.
Looks terrible, but at least he’s putting a woman in her place. You can’t do that in movies anymore.
Maybe this is actually the origin of coronavirus.
The cursed old man mask: The centuries-old Lo-Pan mask was hilariously bad. It hardly even moves with the actor’s face, making his speech look like a bad dubbing. Or maybe it was a bad dubbing, and that effect was just to maintain the film’s Chinese stereotype aesthetic. Either way, that look had me laughing every time it appeared. But, to be fair, much of this movie’s cheese is the point. Indeed!
THE RATING: 4/5 Wickies - really more like 3.5. I enjoyed this movie more than my recent three Wicky ratings of Pee-wee and Young Frankenstein, but I wouldn’t quite put this movie up there with the Alien or Terminator series either. I was entertained but not enthralled, though if you love ‘80s cheese, this is one of the finer blocks out there.
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NEXT WEEK: Apocalypse Now (1979)
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